Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
