Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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