there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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