Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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