You just made me feel so damn special
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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