When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
