your room smells of hookers.
And success
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
