singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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