1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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