Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
