I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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