the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
