Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
