Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
