dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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