I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
