you have to choose: penises or morals?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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