The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
MIDGETS
????
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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