Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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