Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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