Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I met the friendliest cop last night
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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