every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show youâ€
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