What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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