first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
