anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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