I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
this will be a night to untag.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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