My friends, they love my intelligence
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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