We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
