Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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