so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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