oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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