Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We left the knife in your bed.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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