i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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