you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
