I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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