I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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