you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
