Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
