the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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