I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
