Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
