he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
