Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
