please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
