If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
