I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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