Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
