Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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