Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
