just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
