Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
