3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
