i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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