Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
