no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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