Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
