I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
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He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
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Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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