remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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