i permit you to call me
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish you could order shots online.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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