Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
